Today has been glorious. One of those productive, easy going, kids and
mama in a good mood sort of days, as opposed to yesterday, which was a day I
have chosen to repent and forget (and prayed the kids would forget). I finally caught up in my kitchen… dishes washed (we
don’t have a working dishwasher), and my sweet boys mopped my floor for
me! I went through all of the potential
garage sale items and organized them by gender and price. Oh, so many kids clothes. I’ve been so blessed by family and friends… I’ve gotten so
many clothes that we have not been able to use all of them! E. grew so fast that there were only so many
she could wear. Garage sale organization
paired with pre-moving organization is in full swing. I love purging and simplifying in preparation
for a move. I’ve actually enjoyed moving
so much for that particular reason: an excuse to organize and simplify.
B. is on antibiotics for some junk in
his chest. He’s had a cough for about 5
weeks now that doesn’t seem to be getting any better (and possibly getting
worse). Even though I hate for him to be
on them, nothing else seemed to be kicking it.
It’s a good thing he likes his “spicy juice”, what he endearingly calls
his kombucha. I still haven’t convinced
D. it tastes good. And I don’t think I’ve
even convinced myself of it either! I just tell myself I haven’t been brewing
it long enough to really perfect the method.
But I have been brave enough to experiment with some new flavors, and I’ve
been pleasantly surprised.
My sweet sister in law gets married
in two weeks! I feel honored (and stressed) to be her matron of honor. Lots of planning… my favorite thing
to do, but bachelorette trips and last minute run arounds to make everything
perfect tend to be a million times harder when there’s a nursing baby in the
mix. But I’m so excited, especially for
her and her beau. I just love her to
pieces. Although she’s my sister in law,
I always just call her my sister. And
although she’s 6 years younger, she’s been my mentor in many ways. Her faithfulness, joy, and spiritual insight are
inspiring and uplifting.
Tomorrow is “Academy” or as I like to
call it: “my free day”. A member from
church watches all the small children in the church every Wednesday. It has been amazing. I actually somewhat enjoy taking my kids
grocery shopping with me, but by the end of the day, we are all exhausted and
cranky. It’s nice to be able to stop by
a coffee shop, take a breather, then proceed to wander the fantastic isles of
Target without a mention of wanting to see toys or get a snack or “I want to go
home” or having to assuage a two year old breakdown.
It’s funny looking back to the things
I would never do as a parent… I would never let my kid do this or that or talk to me
this way or that. And how can parents
not see that their child is doing this?
I still thought this way after having b.
B. was such an easy child. He
would sit in a stroller and stay there until 3 years old. Then I had D.
At two, he is mastermind of escaping confinement in any form or
fashion. I have been in the amusing
situation of carrying a carseat of a screaming baby, while wrestling the hand
of a defiant two year old who refuses to get off the floor while comforting the
emotional breakdown of a four year old because we didn’t see the toys. I judged moms like me. How can she not have perfect, well behaved
children? She isn’t disciplining enough… she should have a
better handle on the situation. And let
me tell you… the
Lord has humbled me, humbled me greatly.
Three children has been challenging for me. So challenging, in fact, that right now, I
would like to wait at least 2 years before even thinking about more children (subject
to change). I envy mothers who have
child after child and their children are loving, disciplined, and godly, and
they love day in and day out and find joy in it all and want more and more
children…I do
desire a large family but often wonder if it’s for me. If I’m breaking down this much with 3, how
will I handle 6 or 7? The burden of raising Godly children weighs so heavy… the regrets at
the end of the day, of not living life to the fullest, not loving to the
fullest, not being fully there…yes, I know it shall pass.
I’ve heard all the clichés. I’ve heard all
the “motherhood in the trenches” remarks and encouragement. I’m writing this not to complain but so that
I won’t forget what this is like. To
remember and look back one day, through God’s grace, to see how I’ve grown in
Him. Each day is a sacrifice. Motherhood is the best (and quickest) way to
learn that life cannot be about just you.
That sacrifice is love and love is sacrifice. Each day, I’m learning little by little to
put down that book I’m reading or turn off the show I’m watching to play Star
wars. I don’t like to play Star Wars, I
don’t want to play Star Wars. But me
playing Star Wars will show that little boy how much I love him and want to
delight in him and be with him. Me
choosing to watch my show over choosing to spend time with my son will show him
that my time is more important than him.
And we all know what that looks like when they grow up… A son who
confides in anyone else but his mom. And
oh, it makes me cry to think of it, to think of the many times I’ve chosen me
over him. So I ask the Lord to show me
ways that I can delight in my children, how I can manifest love in the best way
to each one. B. is time. D. is undivided attention and praise. E. just needs me to smile and talk to her and
hold her and cuddle her because they aren’t babies long.
Pinterest will not teach us to be better
moms. Facebook won’t. Christian Mommy blogs won’t. Only Christ, in His death and sacrifice, can
teach us how to truly love. And love
covers a multitude of sins.
@alli
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