Both sweeties are resting in their beds. My husband has gone to a convention. And I'm surviving. Weary of a traveling husband who has been gone 3 weekends in a row, feeling the pangs of homesickness, and the tiring day to day by myself with the kids... belly bulging with life, an explosion of energetic boy, and a strong willed squealy one. Coffee {and the sweet gentle reminders of the Lord} seem to keep me going these days. But I'm not sad. It's the striving for perfection in an imperfect world that makes me sad. The unwashed dishes make me sad. The laundry load in a heap makes me sad. The harsh, bitter comment from the innocent eyes looking up at me makes me sad. It's everyday, and it makes me sad. The Lord says, let go. And I do, some days. Constant repentance, constant prayer, constant "I don't know how to do this, but I will trust you".
I turn away from my husband, mad almost for leaving me this much. It's not his fault, but yet the tears stream down, and I know the feeling of waking up in dread of another day without waiting for his face to walk through the door. Knowing the constant nurturing, teaching, and patient rearing will be all mine to deal with for another day. But somehow, the Lord helps me. He knows weary, and He teaches me His wisdom. How can I live in dread like this, Lord, when I know I have the ultimate hope? What brings me to this level? I seek it out. And it's not what I can do to stop it, it boils down to finding out more about who He is. And the scope of life becomes clearer, the peripherals opened.... it becomes living out worship, no matter what life flings our way. When my child whines, it becomes arms wrapped around in love. When the dishes aren't clean, it becomes singing hymns while diligently working, serving my family. When the laundry piles high and no clean socks are to be found, it becomes joyful work and solving a problem.
I pray for joy in my life. I don't always have it. But joy comes with knowing God. And oh God, to know you.... to be free from the constraints of social pressure of what it means to be a good wife, a good mom, a good housemaker... to just be more like you. And that simplicity reassures me that joy is out there, mine to take, promised by God, secured by Christ.
And I have to post this... that my wise husband wrote and chatted to me, that literally made me cry and which I read everyday.....
We are in a protracted war of good vs. evil, where we have been slaughtered by grace to arise on the side of the good and struggle in everything and in every facet against a world of darkness supported by an unbeatable God and still exposed to the harshness and cruelty of trenches and mire and weapons, secure in our soul, but in perpetual hazard for our bodies and minds. You bear children not for amber tinted photos of cute childhood moments, but to face horrors and cruelty and to not fade or buckle---perfection is always strived for defiantly, with knowledge of its impossibility, but convinced that it is already an unrealized reality. No setback is discouraging because loss is gain. Even in parenting it is not a set of behaviours, but grappling with a human soul beset by the same vile nets of avarice and lust from which you have been liberated, but yet fight. It is a messy, bloody, dishelved battle on all sides. But you know it is a victory won, just as of yet unwon. It's a love that insists that every detail is perfect, but cares not when none are---that is war, that is love.
I wish we lived much closer! I struggle with many of the same things...
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